We are pregnant!

I'm so excited to finally share this with you!!! I feel very blessed to have been able to get pregnant so quickly after we decided to start trying, but I also had so may other feelings come up for me. I felt joy and guilt, and I was very annoyed at everyone and everything.  But to be honest that been because of people asking, touching and being nosy, even though I understand they have good intentions.
I had been on the fence about sharing because I didn't want to go into details about how we came to a decision, but I have finally come to terms with my story and I want to share it with you. I want to be transparent and authentic. 

If you have read all my blog posts, at some point I might have mentioned that my mom died when I was 3 years old. She passed away after a long battle with ovarian cancer, and although I don't remember much, I have been told since I was little that it could be hereditary and that I might want to get checked. 

For a really long time I put off going to a geneticist to get tested. Some doctors had already recommended it, but I was always on the fence. To be honest, I think I just didn't want to know, but there were other factors too, like health insurance and overall finances. I finally had the courage to change insurances (I had one that I really didn't like and I didn't even liked my doctor) and I found a wonderful very supportive doctor who referred me to an amazing geneticist at the Cancer Research Center at UCSF. After some counseling and labs I tested positive for the BRCA gene, which basically means that my body may develop cancerogenous cells at some point (there is no guarantee that this will happen or that it won't) that will lead to either breast cancer or ovarian cancer.

For the last couple of years I have been doing all the preventive testing like getting ultrasounds every six months and mammographs, breast MRIs, etc. None of this is 100% sure to detect cancerogenous cells, but the possibility of detecting something early is better than zero possibilities, so I kept doing it. Last year my partner and I started talking about the best option for me, which is to get surgery to remove my ovaries and breasts; eliminating these tissues means eliminating all possible problems that may arise in these areas, and I am a practical person. I believe I should eliminate all problems from the root. This also means that after those surgeries I won't be able to have babies, or that I would have to choose other more expensive alternatives like freezing embryos and keeping only my uterus so I can still carry a baby without ovaries. 

After much talking, my partner and I decided we would have kids and after we were done I would get the surgery. When I found out about the BRCA gene I was mad, because I felt that my timeline had been moved up and I was being forced to make decisions I didn't want to make yet. My partner and I had been together for close to 10 years by then, but we still wanted to do so many things together as a couple, before having kids. We had talked about starting a family before and we both knew we are each other's person, and we want the same things in the long run. There was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted to start a family with him, but this was not a yes/no decision, but a "when" question. I felt that the freedom of choosing my own timeline had been taken away and it took me a while to come to terms with it.

I finally decided that getting the surgery sooner, rather than later, was more important to me. I did a lot of self-reflecting and realized that I had been working on myself, my mental and physical health for quite some time and that there was nothing in my life telling me that I wasn't ready, except for my need to rebel against something I felt was imposed. I have come to realize now after so many months in therapy that my "go to" is to rebel. I always go against what everyone else tells me, I am still not sure why I do that, but I'm working on it... 

So in July 2022 I took my IUD out, I wasn't able to see my gynecologist until late August, so my partner and I we had unprotected sex but we weren't really keeping track of my ovulation or seriously trying. We tried in again, for real this time, using ovulation strips and we got pregnant at the end of September. I felt both incredibly lucky and happy. I thought it was going to take me so long to get pregnant, because I know how hard it has been for some people out there and I truly feel blessed. I also felt guilty that everything seemed so easy for me. But, I have come to terms with the fact that I am allowed to feel both and that my empathic self just feels more than the average person and that is a blessing, even when I feel all the "bad" feelings deeper. If you are struggling with getting pregnant, I am truly sorry that this is your journey, and I wish you can find what you need to heal and find joy. 

If you read this much.. thank you for letting me share and for staying engaged. I don't want to make this longer than it already is, but I wanted to share my story, my thoughts and emotions with you. I hope this helps you connect with your own story, because each one of us lives differently, and we deserve to be free and authentic about it, with all the good and the complicated. 

Un abrazo, 
- Jimena